A Project

I'm embarking on a new project. I'm excited.

I recently read a book called "The Film Club" about a father who allows his son to drop out of high school on the condition that they watch 3 films a week together. I picked up this book because my sister and I spent our entire childhood watching movies with our dad. Each weekend at his apartment we were schooled in the classics- Films that meant something to Dad because they were part of his childhood (Bonnie and Clyde scarred him for life), or he saw them with his father (The Nutty Professor), became all the more meaningful to us because we saw them with him. I recall a certain Saturday spent watching the Stars Wars Trilogy (in its entirety) because he was appalled that, at the ages of 7 and 9, we had never heard of it. He dragged us to every independent video store in the city looking for the tapes in "letterbox"- that's what we called widescreen before it became fashionable. This book "The Film Club" completely missed the mark, perhaps because it is told exclusively from the father's point of view.... but it just barely touched upon film as a formative experience. It did, however make me realise that I grown up with the real deal- a film club that got results.

I received the bulk of my cinematic education before the age of eighteen- since that time I have barely moved beyond old favourites and comedy entertainment. What may have started out as a competitive spark turned into the real desire, the need to get back to my roots.

I began to research all of the big lists- you know, AFI's Top 100 Films of All-Time etc. - to see where I ranked in viewing. I averaged at having seen about 45 of the 100, not bad. I wonder where most film critics rank... By the way, all of those lists- so clearly written by men. I mean, there are some seriously important and moving films completely absent, unaccounted for (where isMoonstruck and Harold and Maude?). Picked out the ones that interested me and then added on from the top of my head; compiling a sort of film "bucket-list". The List, which is ever-growing and changing, includes a spectrum of genres, films dating from 1933- 2005. Mostly they are American, Hollywood flicks.

Viewing will be facilitated by the Toronto Public Library system. By this I mean that 90% of the DVDs are on hold at the library and I will be watching them in the order they arrive at my branch. And will be writing my impressions here at Cowgirl Zen for your entertainment and my lack of film-geek friends.

In the meantime... What is the movie that I need to have seen before I go?

Ode to a Pontiac Sunbird: Remebering Time In My Father's Car

O! Pontiac Sundbird
gleaming aquamarine
hurtling us through time and space
We grew up in that car
We grew up in that place.

To us, a chattering trio,
life is exciting, wild
dancing, drumming
singing to our own beat
Beatific in sleek, shiny
two-door splendour

We are talk, talk, talking
across the Lakeshore
-broken hearts, bedpans, bottlenecks-
through the Don Valley
-"the Art of Bookmaking"-
along curvaceous Pottery Road
- Coming forth out of Egypt!-

We retrace city lines
cityscapes carry us to sacred sites
RIP: Eglington Theatre, Obi's Restaurant, House with the Blue Steps
RIP: Planetarium, Foodworks, Big City Improv

Racing raindrops
leaving trails
on the windshield
wiped away by wipers
merging/converging
making room for new
possibilities
I wonder:
Who is Roger Ashby?
And how does he fit in the radio?

We barrel through the streets
on our unending quest for the "BEST"
The BEST chocolate éclair
The BEST tuna sub
The BEST deal on a double tape deck
Yes! Always the best!

Driving into the heart of the city
Driving into the heart of
a million crazy thoughts, Dairy Queen Blizzards,
raging parties and late night dinners

Watching city streetlight stars
pass by the window
amber light halos
again grey-black sky
from my backseat bed.

Yes, Pontiac Sunbird
You were my cradle
my playground
our own personal time machinehurtling us through time and space.

Feel Good Fo Reel

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist- completely refreshing.

I'm a fan of most teen fare- especially when it comes to movies. There are so many different perspectives being explored: What filmmakers imagine teenagers are like, concieving of what teenagers want or wish for. Sometimes you get autobiographical experiences, set as a period piece, full of nostalgia, hope and general distain. You get the indie take, the outlaw take, the glittered up never-gonna-happen fantasy where everyone is played by 30 year-olds. Geek vs. popular, asshole vs. goodhearted artist, outlaw vs. parents, teachers and authority. Sidekicks galore: flaming gays, tomboys who never turn out ot be lesbos (just closeted femmes), token blacks, tokin' bastards, loveable simpletons, fat people and on and on and on. It's just plain compelling. It's compelling watching these flicks as a teenager: "This is how they think we are?" "I'm supposed to swoon over that dude?" "She a badass! Why doesn't he like her?" And then in your 20's: "Oh my god, I was just like that." "I had that sweater." "It's so true though..."

I tend to go for the smart, artsy and witty indie outlaw/outcast perspective, cause I think that's where I was in high school. I want some bite in the bark- some grungey realism in my teen movies. I like my female characters strong, with a raunchy sense of humour and unpredictable (perhaps obscure)musical and literary hereos. I like my male characters sensitive, well read, passionate, down to earth. Above all else the characters must have insecurities, be addled by them, impossible to hide. It is the vulnerability and fragility of spirit and emotion that create a truthful teen/young (hell, even adult) character.

I miss sarcastic, awkward, anything-can-happen nights of hijinx with friends or possible new friends or complete strangers. At the time, maybe I was a little uptight... scared of getting caught.. getting in trouble. Feeling like no one and everyone was smarter than me.

Things that ring true in Nick and Norah:
straight edge
venturing into the city
the presence of a queercore band (check out Limp Wrist- awesome band from my youth)
touring around in a crappy "band van"
all about the shows
mix tapes/cds
pathetic messages
completely unsure of where we stand
being called a "mom"
searching for drunken friend
wanting what you can't have
actual foreplay (ignoring movie cleiche of moving right to sex)
most realistic before and after "O" scenes seen

Reflections on Fleeting

Last night I watched the film "Before Sunset". It follows up on two characters who spent on beautiful night in Vienna together nine years prior. They reconnect in Paris- with only a couple of hours to spend together. It was really artfully done- it felt very real.


This is staring Ethan Hawke. I've always had a hard time with him- yet I seem to have a kinship to the movies he makes, whatever that means. It's his acting that's the problem, it's who I think he is as a person. I'm a big fan of Reality Bites, but I just can't look at him whenever he has a kissing scene because (to me) he looks like he's a really terrible kisser. Like, it completely tears me out of the fantasy of the film because I'm so grossed out by it. The other thing about Ethan is that he wrote a novel called "The Hottest State" that I read when I was 17. The character, obviously based on himself, was completely unlikable with a sort of violent take on romance.

Julie Deply co-stars as the other half of the duo. She is lovely and french. The highlight of this film for me was the song that she wrote and performed. She has the sort of low sexy singing voice that I have always dreamed of. The song is a waltz and stays in my head for days after watching it.

Perhaps if Ethan Hawke sing me love ballads instead of self indulgent novels I might be able to better stomach him.

I was left thinking about the people I have had brief enounters/ connections with in my life time. People I haven't seen in years...what would it be like to reconnect? Would they be as important to me in life as their absence? I thought of my lover, with whom I now live...

It was a cool April night, a Saturday night, we met on the street. He struck up a conversation about yoga- we were standing outside of a yoga studio. After a few minutes I took of my headphones and participated. We bonded over our gluten-free diets and I invited him to have dinner with me. We ate sushi while sharing intimate details about ourselves. He asked for my phone number- I refused- instead I drew a little picture of myself in his "little black book" next to an email address that I use for junk mail. We walked and talked for four more hours. He put his arm around me- I told him that I was not interested in dating anyone at the moment. He walked me home, gave me his card.

And that could have been it. We could have had just that one night shared by two complete strangers.

When I got upstairs to my appartment I left him a voicemail at his home number. He called the next morning- and we spent the day together. We have either seen or spoke to eachother everyday since then. I don't know why. That's just the way it had to happen I guess.

Places made magical by fleeting connection:

AC Beach
The Green bean
The Burlinton Y
The Smiling Buddha
Buddies in Bad Times
Riverdale Park
The pier on Key West
The Friendly Thai
Jerusalum

A Few Thoughts Regarding History

I have recently been confronted by my roots. Startling.

At the chapel:
Men in dark suits and kipas
small women with dark hair
Aunt Essie with Joan Crawford eyebrows
and ill-applied lipstick

Zadi cries
hugs me
the Rabbi tries
pinning on the black ribbon
"Rabbi, this is my granddaughter. Say a nice boreke for her"

I sit with Bubi- hair done make-up on-
looking
pointing
she says things like
"I used to babysit her" "We used to date" "Oh, he got big"

During the eulogy:
I laugh
I laugh at the parts that are true
I laugh at the parts that are false

At the cemetary:
I hold Zadi's hand
I hold him up
We watch the coffin
the coffin that holds his brother
We watch it being lowered
into the earth
together.

The Sun is tossed down
Nancy claps her hands
"Newspaper. Wonderful! Wonderful!"
The family says a prayer
together.
In hebrew.

Zadi speaking hebrew is new and old
his voice reminds me where we come from
what has been gone through
it is the thing that binds us.

The shiva house:
fogged mirrors
leggless sofa, low chairs
smoked salmon, tuna
bagels
emotional eating

Treasure albums
Zadi and Bubi in lust
Pre-stroke beauty
The truck that traveled to Lindy's
on a dine 'n' ditch mission
legends, stories, folklore.

Hard boiled eggs in salt water
"Everytime we are oppressed it makes us stronger.
Eggs are the only food that when you cook it, it gets stronger."
Salt water for our tears.

Give What You Get

Today seems like a good day to start this collection of writing. Today is about sharing- about acknowledging the fact that I live on this planet with other people.

Last night I joined this amazing organization called Kiva (www.kiva.org) This website facilitates the lending of micro loans to worthy entrepreneurs from all around the world. More specifically, they work directly with the grassroots agencies from each country to get business plans and profiles of people in need of loans- which are posted on the web site- and allow anyone, from anywhere in the world to log on and contribute by loaning all or part of a requested amount to a person of their choice.

My beautiful mother has been raving about this web site/ organization for the past year. She talks about the progress of a peanut farmer in Paraguay, to whom she contributed $50 to her requested $1000 loan. Sounded pretty good.

Last night I received a $25 gift certificated to Kiva.org from her radiant self and explored the site for the first time. Among the pages and pages of street vendors, farmers, beauty salon owners who had all partially raised their requested amounts- I saw a woman from Bosnia who had yet to raise any of her funds. She was requesting a loan that would enable her to purchase seeds to plant in her small farm and double her household income. I loaned her my gifted $25.

This morning I went online to see how she was doing and found that in 12 hours she has raised 97% of her requested funds! I was so excited/energized by this sense of accomplishment that I immediately began searching for another woman to invest in. It was not long before I read the profile of a young woman in Peru- 21 years old (just a few years younger than me) has two children (7 and 2) who was requesting a loan that would grow her business and ultimately allow her to buy a suitable house for her family. She also had yet to receive any money from investors. I loaned her $25 to get her started. I checked back with her, literally 10 minutes later and she had %100 of her funds!

I am still in awe at the power of this organization, of this website and of all the participants. Something small like jump starting a micro loan can have major repercussions! It is the first time that I have really felt the impact that I could potentially have on a person living on the other side of the world. And the impact they could have on me.

My friend Erin, who works for an organization called Free the Children, says 'the world is my home.' I am beginning to understand where she's coming from.

There is nowhere I do not belong; I am from everywhere, with everyone, all at once.

I live in this world with other people.